It's Everywhere that you Go

For some reason I feel like a lot of TV shows/movies that I like have a plot line about a couple that is having infertility issues.  Let me first explain that I do not pick these shows because of the plot line.  Generally, I watch the show/movie and then this plot line comes out of nowhere, but that's ok.  I enjoy seeing Hollywood's take on it. 

Most recently the show that has been featuring it that we have been watching is Mad Men (we're only on season 2 so don't ruin anything for me if you watch it!).  One of the characters and his wife have been trying to have a baby and they haven't been able to.  For various reasons we know it's her and not him (I don't want to give too much way!).  The most recent episode that we watched featured the woman wanting to adopt and the man not wanting to have any part of it because those babies are the "rejects".  All I can say is thank GOD I do not live in the 60's or that my husband is not a giant you know what.

So long story short... it got me curious about adoption.  There is a very real chance that adoption will be one of our only options and it's high time I got myself acquainted with the process.  We are most interested in going through Catholic Social Services and per their local website here are some FAQ's that really answered some of my questions I had. 

Q: What are the eligibility requirements to adopt through Catholic Charities of Northern Kentucky?
A: We work with couples who are experiencing infertility, have been married at least three years, are residents of the Diocese of Covington and between the ages of 25 and 45. Couples must be in good health, have a normal life expectancy, and have the physical, financial and emotional resources to attend to the needs of a growing child. Couples of all faiths are welcome to apply. Q: How much does it cost?

A: Our fees are based on a sliding scale according to income. The total expenses usually run between $11,000 and $17,000 before the $11,650 Federal Adoption Tax Credit, which can reduce the total paid to less than $6,000.

Q: How long is the wait?

A: After the home study is completed, the average wait for a placement is between twelve and eighteen months.

Q: Can I choose between a closed and open adoption?

A: Yes. Adoptive parents and birth parents are encouraged to design the adoption plan best suited to their needs and the needs of their child.

Q: What is the typical birth mother like?

A: She is a young woman of considerable maturity and courage. She sees the benefits of counseling and is invested in making the right decision for herself and her child.

Q: How old are the children placed for adoption?

A: Almost all children placed through our adoption program are newborns and are generally placed directly from the hospital.

All looks good, but I'm nervous about the money.  If we are serious about adoption, I think my next step is to research ways to make this a financial option.  One way or another, I will have a child!

I confess...

I confess that I enjoy hearing other people's stories of infertility.  Well, I guess "enjoy" really isn't the right word for the situation.  It's interesting to see and hear how others deal with the situation.  I've never really watched the show about Giuliana and Bill Rancic, but I am aware of their struggles to start a family.  I found this link today and I teared up reading it - especially the video  (Pathetic, I know).  It's nothing crazy special, but it was nice to see someone else say that their marriage is better and stronger because of their struggle.  I wholeheartedly believe that mine and my husband's marriage is stronger because of our journey which is important because so so many couples who struggle with infertility end in divorce.  I hope that their marriage continues to grow stronger in the face of adversity, just like ours has.

Video via Us Weekly

Perspective

This past weekend, the husband and I had some interesting conversations/revelations.  It is no secret that I want children.  I want to experience pregnancy (although not the morning sickness).  I want to know what it's like to have a baby growing inside of me and feel the baby move.  I want to look down and every week see my belly getting bigger (and no getting fat would not suffice). While I want to experience all those things, I am however not opposed to adoption.  If that is the path the leads us to parenthood then I'm all for it, as is the husband.  I can think of no better way to serve God and help a child in need than to adopt.  In some ways, I feel like it is what I was put on this earth to do, but there is still a lot of planning, prayer and thinking that needs to be done in order for any of that to become a reality. 

It's hard to make a move in any one direction though. 

I really like the way that my life is right now.  And so does my husband.

Don't get us wrong.  If I found out tomorrow I was expecting, we would be over the moon about it.  There is no doubt in my mind that we both want to be parents and that we would make good parents. 

It's just... we like the way life is right now.  We can go to work, come home and just veg out if we want.  We can decide last minute to run out to the mall or go to the movies.  We can take day trips up in Ohio to go shopping and spend our money on things we want.  We can plan a weekend trip only two weeks in advance.  We can sleep in late or stay up super late.  We can sit around the house all day long and not do a darn thing.  We are free to do just about whatever we want (within reason, obviously).

All that would change, drastically, if we were to have a baby.  Even though we have had nearly four years of this freedom, we don't know if we are quite ready to give that up just yet. 

Friday night we went to see a play with another married couple.  We left right after work and went to dinner and then to the show.  As we were leaving the husband and I got talking about the rest of the plans and somehow the topic of children got brought up.  We had watched our niece earlier in the week, and while we love spending time with her, we both agreed it was nice to send her home.  We could relax and just be with each other.  We didn't have to entertain anyone else or put anyone to bed.  We were responsible for no one but ourselves.  As we got talking about our Saturday we were both excited to be able to sleep in and then go out to breakfast.  Things that would not be impossible with children, but definitely not easy. 

While we were out to breakfast, we noticed a man and woman with twins.  They got served their food and then both had to cut up food and what not for the kids before they could ever even eat.  We both agreed that we were perfectly fine to be sitting there sans children and able to enjoy our food when it was served.

So what's the point in all this rambling?  It's all about perspective.  I often get jealous when people are pregnant or talk about their babies because I want that in my life.  I want to have the absolute surprise of taking a pregnancy test and finding a plus sign or two double lines or what have you.  However, I'm not 100% read to give up my current life.  I sometimes like the way things are!   I can sit here and say I'm so jealous that so and so is pregnant, but at the same time I like I can be selfish or just spend time with my husband. 

I am getting scared though.  I'm getting scared that I'm getting too comfortable with the way my life is that I'll never make the move to explore our options with fertility or adoption.  While I know that I want to have a family, it's hard to make the commitment to starting a family because I know that my life will change and it will change forever.  How will I know when I'm ready to let most of my freedoms go? 

I'm not writing this to rub it anyone's face that I can do whatever, and I'm not saying that it must suck to have children.  I'm just saying that for me, it's hard to make the commitment when I'm pretty happy with the way things are right now.  Is that so bad?

Blog Stalking

Is it bad that when I hear the word "stalking" the only thing I can think of is Pauly from Jersey Shore talking about his stalker and how she, "stalked his whole entire life"?  Methinks this is a sign that I watch too much Jersey Shore...  At least that's the only MTV show that I watch.  That makes me feel a little better about my TV preferences but not really by much. 

But I digress...

The real point of this post is blog stalking.  I do it.  I admit, my name is MrsBill and I'm a blog stalker.  I try to comment on posts that I read, but sometimes I'm too busy or the post already has a million comments that I feel mine will get lost in the mumbo jumbo (sidenote: I do find it very nice when I comment on someone's post that has tons of comments and they respond to mine through email... I really would like to start doing that!).  Sometimes I just don't know what to write.  I love finding blogs that I enjoy reading and I like to go through them and read a lot of their posts.  It's hard to get the gist of someone's blogging style from just one post.  The point it, I blog stalk and I know that others do too. 

When I got started blogging I wanted to remain annonymous, well as annonymous as I could whilst posting pictures and the such.  I don't use my real name because I don't want someone to be able to Google me and find the blog.  I think this is perfectly acceptable.  I just didn't know about friends or family reading the blog.  Obviously, I'm not stupid and I realized that it quite the possibility that people I know "in real life" would find the blog.  Over the weekend my husband's aunt (hi, Gina!!) told me that she reads the old blog.  At first, I was embarrassed.  Does anyone else feel this way about blogging?  I felt like suddenly all my secrets were exposed!  But really?  I'm writing these "secrets" for the world to see.  Clearly these aren't secrets! 

So I had to wonder, why am I blogging if I'm so embarrassed about it?  The whole reason for starting this blog in particular was to write about my struggles with infertility.  I needed an outlet because a lot of time I have found that it's hard to share my feelings about the journey.  I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, so sometimes it's hard to discuss it with people I'm close to.  I wanted to mind support (not that I don't get any from my family and friends) and find people that were like me - and not just in the sense of infertility.  Ultimately though I wanted to share my story and I felt like blogging was a good way to do it.  It is my own little corner of the world where I don't have to apologize all the time for being jealous or sad or being happy about certain things.  I can just be me. 

And so, I guess my whole point is that I have accepted that people I know may read the blog.  People I don't know read the blog, and I'm okay with both.  Not that I'm going to run out and tell everyone I have a blog, but you get the picture.

So what I'm asking is if you read this blog regularly or just happen upon it, say hi!  I would love to know who's out there and I would love to connect with you. 

And as always I am happy to share this little part of my life with you!

Overwhelmed

"I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?" 

I am definitely feeling overwhelmed at the moment.  With starting a new job you would think this would be perfectly acceptable, only I'm not feeling overwhelmed by my job at all (which is a nice change of pace).  So what is causing my state of angst?  

I am on pregnancy over.load. 

First, no, I'm NOT pregnant.  I really hate that any time I mention the "p" word, I feel the need to add this disclaimer, but I just feel that we should all be on the same page here.  I do realize that I'm kind of rambling here, but I want to write this entry and say something without saying something.  Am I making the least bit of sense here?  

Anyway, someone I have just met has recently disclosed that they are pregnant.  Normally news like this causes me a great deal of angst, but because I hardly know this person I'm not all that hung up about it.  I'm not jealous or sad, I'm just... whelmed, if you will.  I spent a good part of last week talking about pregnancy and sharing some of my infertility trials and tribulations (I make sound like I've been to war, but sometimes I do feel like I am at war with my body).  As we all know, I'm not really secretive about my infertility (hello, I blog about it to strangers, I think we past the point of secrets) so I don't mind sharing my experience.  All is find and dandy.  

Over the weekend though a friend asked how everything was going and if there was anything new and I really appreciated that.  I feel like we spend a lot of time talking about friends kids (which I understand and I don't begrudge them) so to have someone come out and ask makes me happy and lets me know they care.  Afterwards, on our way home though, I felt incredibly sad and frustrated.  It was not anything the friend said or did, I just think after a week of pregnancy talk, talking about friends kids and then my infertility, I just felt like a boulder was sitting on me.  That's what it feels like sometimes.  Like you just.can't.breathe.  I really can't explain it.   

I think I'm just having a "moment" as I'm wont to do.  Sometimes it's all fine and then we go through a period where everything is baby, baby, BABY and I'm like an ADD child on sensory overload.  For the most part I can handle baby and pregnancy talk, but sometimes it gets to be a bit too much for me and I need to take some time to myself.  I don't think that's too much to ask is it?

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

Here come the emotions...

Well it's official: People my age are on to the second pregnancies and I can't even achieve one.  In a word, it's heartbreaking.  It's so hard to listen to someone tell you they are pregnant again and you can't even have one.  Of course I smile and congratulate, but on the inside I'm crying.  On the inside I'm so angry at myself and God.  Just sad.

To make matters worse, I'm pretty sure that I have come home everyday this week to get on on Facebook and find another person is pregnant.  I don't understand.

All I can think of this episode of Sex and the City - Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda.  I'm sure you've seen it - Miranda finds out she is pregnant while Charlotte finds out she is infertile.  There are two scenes in this episode that just bring me to tears.  The first is when Charlotte comes to brunch angry and frustrated that she has gotten her period and she says:

Charlotte: Do you know how many times Trey and I have done it without a condom?  73.  Have you any idea how much perfectly fine semen that is?

Carrie: No.  Samantha, rough estimate?

Charlotte: Enough for me to know in my bones that it's me.  And the big joke is, I spent my entire twenties worried that I'd get pregnant.  I could have been screwing everything in sight!  

Honestly?  It doesn't get more honest than that.  That pretty much sums up how you feel, how you know it's you.  You just know that you're the problem and that the situation is hopeless.  And she's right.  The big joke is, you do worry about getting pregnant and then you find out, in never could have happened.  When I think of how many times I worried about it, I could just kick myself.  

The other scene is when Charlotte runs into Miranda after Charlotte finds out that she is in fact infertile.

Miranda: This is hard for me too, you know?  And it doesn't make it any easier worrying that you hate me because you think you can't get pregnant.

Charlotte: I can't get pregnant.

Miranda: If I can, you can.

Charlotte: No I can't.  I just came from the doctor.  Here.  My body is attacking Trey's sperm.  15% chance! 15% change of ever having a baby!  Is it ok if I go now? 

Again, it breaks my heart.  I can't even watch the scene without bursting into tears.  Which, yeah, I just watched and sobbed myself silly.  

By the end of the episode, Miranda decides to keep the baby and Charlotte is happy for her.  And ultimately?  Yes, I am happy for those people in my life that are able to get pregnant.  I still love them and I love their children and am happy to be part of their lives.  Before I ever knew I had infertility issues, I admired Charlotte for her strength and bravery throughout the rest of the series regarding infertility.  She always managed to put others before the pain of what she was dealing with.  I know she is just a fictional character, but still, I find that I do identify with the character so much.  I hope that I can have just a bit of her strength and bravery because Lord knows it's tough.  

Perhaps my favorite scenes with Charlotte are here - especially around the 3:02 mark.  

Sorry the volume is so low - it's the only one I could find. I hope that one day, my husband and I share a moment just like that. And now I'm crying again. Like I said, here come the emotions...

Sometimes it just hits me harder than others and since my husband told me on Thanksgiving he thinks these will be the last holidays with his mother, all I can think about is how we don't have any grandchildren for her.  That if we are ever blessed enough to have children they will not know either of their grandparents on that side and she will never know them.  And what's worse, it's not my choice.  I could more easily accept this if it were a personal choice but it's not.

I don't know.  I guess just chalk it up to typical holiday emotions.  I'll be back to myself... hopefully sooner rather than later!

And to clarify, I don't hate people that are pregnant/can get pregnant.  I'm angry with myself and my situation and no one else (and maybe a little angry with God, but that's between me and Him).  Just thought I should throw that in!!

Now I'm Haunted

So I fell off the wagon.  I didn't complete the 30 day Challenge and I really, really wanted to.  It's just, life got in the way, you know?  Or maybe my laziness got in the way.  Or maybe both.  Either way, I won't be completing it and that's just the way the cookie crumbles. 

I'm in a bumming kind of mood.  There's a lot going on, and I find when other areas of my life are blowing up in my face, the infertility thing just is magnified by a million.  Then to add insult to injury, everyone announces they are pregnant, and I'm left feeling even worse than I felt before. 

I'm sorry.  This isn't a very uplifting post is it? 

It's just today was ick.  Three people got laid off at work between Friday and today.  This is the latest in a series that has spanned the entire year.  Since the beginning of the year nearly 20 people have gotten laid off from my work.  Which doesn't sound like a lot, but it's a small company, made even smaller now.  It's really hard to deal with all of it. 

Then I'm driving home, happy to be free, singing to some new Taylor Swift and CRACK!  A rock comes and hits my windshield leaving a nice crack in it.  Now this wouldn't be so bad because in the great Commonwealth of Kentucky our insurance companies but replace/repair the windshield free of charge - one per year.  Excellent!  Only did you see that one per year thing?  Yeah, I already claimed mine - less than two months ago.  Yes, that's right.  This has already happened to me once this year and that was less than two months ago.  Two months!  And did I mentioned it happened in the exact same spot on the expressway?  Words cannot describe my anger. 

Then I come home to find some solace.  Well I shouldn't have looked to blogs/Facebook for that.  I saw that two new people were pregnant which just irritates me.  I should probably back up a bit here.  I was already a little irritated with the whole thing when I logged on FB last night and every single picture that had been uploaded were of babies.  Babies, babies, babies.  It depressed me to no end.  Then to find that more people are pregnant?  It's salt in wounds, people.  Salt.in.wounds.

And now I should really go do some laundry, but I think I'm just going to listen to more Taylor Swift and wallow in my pity. 

Tomorrow will be happier.  I promise. 

She Get it From Her Mama (and her Daddy)

Day Four - Your Parents

Today's 30 Day Challenge is to write about your parents.  While I would love to share with you a picture of my parents, I feel little weird posting pictures of my family or people that don't know about this blog.  I don't know.  I feel like that is sort of an invasion of privacy and I wouldn't want to upset anyone.  So, I guess this entry will have to do without a picture... insert sad face here.  But no worries, I will tell you about how wonderful my parents are!

In true child/teenage style, I never really appreciated my parents.  They were the people who loved me because they "had" to.  They fed me, clothed me and took care of me because they "had" to.  That's what they were for me.  Once I was out of college, married and on my own, they took on a different role in my life - especially when I started dealing with infertility.  (Do all roads lead back to infertility?  Apparently they do!)

But let's back up a minute and actually give a little background.  My parents (not unlike my husband and me) met in high school and got married when they were 19 (not like my husband and me).  I'm sure even back then there were people who thought that they wouldn't make it, but here we are 32 years later and they are still very happily married.  They have truly taught me everything about having a strong, loving marriage.

A little over a year ago, my husband approached me and said that he wanted to start going to Church and he wanted to become Catholic.  I think that learning we were reproductively challenged made him (and me) look at our lives and our faith and realize that if we were going to get through this then we needed a little spiritual help.  We weren't sure where to set our "roots" so we started going to Church with my parents even though it's about a 20 minute drive from our house and there are plenty of Catholic Churches in our neighborhood.  After Church my parents would treat us to breakfast and it has quickly become one of my favorite parts of the weekend.  It's a great way to start the week, but it has also given me a chance to have a better relationship with my parents.  I think that through our weekly tradition they have seen and respected me as a "grown up" and I have turned to them as my confidants.  They have become people that I truly listen to and admire.  They also give great advice on how to deal with things, but they also listen and are on my side.  My mom especially is great at that.  I can tell her how angry I am that another one of my friends is pregnant and she's right there with me being angry and upset. 

I can honestly say that I would not be the person I am without these two very special people in my life.  I only hope that God will give me and my husband the chance to be great parents like they are!

The following is a song that always makes me think of my parents/makes me wish I had a daughter/makes me cry whenever I hear it.  Gotta love T. Swift!

I'm five years old and it's getting cold
I've got my big coat on
I hear your laugh and look up smiling at you
I run and run
Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides
Look now the sky is gold
I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you're not scared of anything at all
Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day with you today

I'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean
I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
And we talk and window shop till I forgot all their names

I don't know who I'm gonna talk to now at school
But I know I'm laughing on the car ride home with you
Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay
But I know I had the best day with you today
I have an excellent father
His strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother
Inside and out he's better than I am

I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run
And I had the best days with you

There is a video I found from back when I was three
You set up a paint set in the kitchen and you're talking to me
It's the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
Daddy's smart and you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

Now I know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
Staying back and watching me shine and I didn't know if you knew
So I'm taking this chance to say that I had the best day with you today

What's In a Name?

Day 2 of the 30 Day Challenge asks us to explain the meaning behind the blog name.  Mine is obviously, "It's the Journey and the Destination".  I chose this because one of the biggest challenges I have had to face in my life is infertility.  I am certainly not one of those people who go through life and things just come easily or things get handed to them.  However, I never thought that I would have to struggle or work for my God given right to reproduce. It just doesn't make sense.  But who am I to judge what does or doesn't make sense?  I figure that God has a plan for me.  That maybe, he gave me this struggle so that I might learn something from it.  So often we get caught up in the destination, the end point, the goal that we don't focus on the how or the why.  We just want what we want and we want it NOW!  For me this struggle is about the journey and the destination and figuring out just what it is I am supposed to take away from all this.

So far on my journey, I have figured out these things:

• Infertility is expensive.  No amount of budgeting or planning will ever cover the costs.
• There are going to be sacrifices along the way.  But what dream doesn't come with those?
• Your relationship with your spouse will be tested time and time again.  
• My husband is amazing and beyond supportive.  I never knew how strong our relationship was until we faced this together.  I guess we are lucky in that aspect.
• Your faith will be tested.  
• Sometimes I don't have as much faith as I should.

And those are just a few things.   I am hoping that my destination in this journey is to have a child rather that be one of my own or adopted, but I am keeping my mind open.  Maybe it will just be me and my husband and our dog.  I'm ok with that as long as that's where I'm supposed to be.

Hopping Right On

In my effort to become a more diligent blogger, I have decided to take on a 30 Day Challenge via: Katie's Journey.  If you want to join it, head over there and let her know!  I think this is going to be fun and I am very excited about it.

The first challenge is to post a picture of yourself and give 15 interesting facts about moi.  Well I can give you 15 facts, but I can't claim that they'll all be interesting per se. 

Me!

Now on to those facts:

1. I got married three years ago on 07.07.07.  Everyone said I was crazy for getting married on "the most popular wedding day ever" but I really didn't have an issue with it.
2. Yes, I have been married for three years and no, I don't have any children.  I am what you would call reproductively challenged.  We are working on it albeit at a snail's pace.
3. I went to school for elementary education, but I don't teach.  And I learn a little bit more everyday that it was the best decision for me.
4. And in the next breath I'm going to tell you that I do actually teach CCD one night a week.  These are Catholic education classes for public school children.
5. I worry.  A lot.  About random things that no one should ever worry about.  Once something has resolved itself I move on to something else to worry about.  It can be quite stressful. 
6. I have an intense fear of vomit.  Enough said.
7. I love pop culture.  LOVE it.  I think this is why I quote movie/TV shows every chance I get. 
8. I am a trivia FREAK.  I know the most random things and I couldn't tell you where I pick it up. 
   Sometimes I think the random information takes up too much information in my brain.  
9. By nature I am shy, until I get comfortable and know you.  Then I don't shut up.  I'm just really bad at the whole small talk thing.  Being in a sorority really helped to bring me out of that shell though.  Who knows how socially awkward I might be otherwise. :-)
10. I spend WAY too much money on purses.  I should really learn to save my money and not buy a million cheap ones and buy one really nice one. 
11. I take a lot of things personally.  Like things that shouldn't be taken personally at all.  I guess I'm just sensitive and have a lot of feelings and emotions.
12. I really enjoy reading blogs - especially Kentucky bloggers, sorority bloggers and others struggling with infertility  (I cringe at how cliche I sound.)
13. I love reading.  There is just something about getting lost in a good book.
14. I met my now husband when I was a sophomore in high school.  We started dating right before our senior year and have been together ever since (let's just ignore that three week period we were broken up in college).
15. I work hard everyday to be just a little bit better of a person than I was the day before.

So there you have it, day one of the challenge is complete!

Housekeeping

Note: When you read the title you should say it a la Tommy Boy.

So.  I guess I'm what you'd call a blogger-hopper.  Meaning, I start about 5 million blogs, write two entries, then start another or go back to an old one.  Well ENOUGH!  Enough I say!  Time to pick one and stick to it.  It's too much for me to keep track of and it makes me feel like I have a multiple personality disorder.  So here is now home.  If I want to write about pop culture, it will be here.  If I want to talk about my infertility issues, it will be here.  If I want to talk about how undomestic I am, it will be here.  Much like I picked a sorority as a home, I have picked this blog to be my home.  It should feel so... special.

Since we last left, I had take a Dye Test to insure that my tubes were open and things that need to get through can in fact do so.  They were all clear so that's good news, but I haven't done much since, and thank God because I am still getting bills for that darn test!  It was FOUR months ago!  There should be a statute of limitations or something.  Gah.  I really don't know what to do when it comes to fertility issues.  I'm so indecisive.  Much like I can't pick a blog, I can't pick how/when to pursue a family.  I think I am waiting on some guidance from God on how to proceed next.  Although a tiny part of me hopes that my indecision will lead to a natural pregnancy.  I'm not really that naive, but I can dream, right?

In other non-uteruo news, my BIRTHDAY is coming up in just a few short weeks. The only thing on my wish list:

 Via here

This Coach SOHO tote.  I'm not really set on a color, although I am really liking this almond color as I feel it would very versatile in my wardrobe as well as seasons.  It really just depends on what they have available when I go to the store.  One thing is for sure, "It will be mine. Oh yes.  It will be mine".  I just love my birthday, although I'm not stoked about the idea of getting older.  That's not cool.  But I do enjoy any day that can be all about me and I get presents.  Especially fun presents like Coach purses. 

Stuck in the Middle

Well, I did it.  I did that awful, horrible, no good, very bad test that is known as the dye test.  Ok, ok.  Maybe I am exaggerating a little... but only just a little.  Despite what everyone said it hurt more than just a "slight discomfort".  I will spare you the gory details of the whole thing, but suffice to say there was intense cramping for a brief period of time and a near pass out, but overall not terrible.  And yes I know, childbirth will be much more painful, but at least you get some drugs and a baby afterward.  All I got was some Advil and some test results.  The good news is that there are no blockages in my tubes and I have "totally normal" anatomy.  Totally normal in the sense that everything looks good, save for the one important event called ovulation.  So the missing puzzle piece is how to get me to ovulate.  How we are going to get that to happen is still a mystery to me, but I supposed one day we might find out.

The next step in this process is I need to make an appointment which my regular OB/GYN to over the results and then have her give me a referral.  Yes, I will pay a co-payment of $25 to have her tell me test results that I already know and give me a referral to a fertility doctor.  Am I the only one who thinks this sounds painfully unnecessary?  Didn't think so.

Before that happens though, there is some research that is involved.  Like figuring out if my insurance will even pay me to visit a fertility doctor.  I know that they won't pay for the treatments (but they will be glad to give me some birth control! - another topic for another day) but I don't know if they will pay just a visit.  If not we are looking at probably $200/$300 just to visit the darn place.  Please note I am totally making a guestimate here as I recently found out to just visit the regular OB/GYN sans insurance is roughly $150 (and I'm pretty sure that's just to walk in the door).  Also I'm not sure if the dye test will be covered either.  I don't even want to think about the pretty penny that is going to cost me.  Oh and did I mention that my hours were cut at work?  Oy vey.  So there will have to be some strategic planning involved regarding money, etc. 

I wonder what it's like not to have plan so much when it comes to starting a family?

How My Mind Works

My flow of consciousness is somewhat... loopy at times. I will find myself focusing on a task or thinking about something and all of sudden my mind is totally somewhere else and I'm thinking... where did that come from? It's not unlike Lorelai Gilmore:

"Because my brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish: I'm writing a letter, I can't write a letter. Why can't I write a letter? I'm wearing a green dress. I wish I was wearing my blue dress. My blue dress is at the cleaners. The Germans wore gray, you wore green. Casablanca. Casablanca is such a good movie. Casablanca. The White House. Bush. Why don't I drive a hybrid car? I should really drive a hybrid car. I should really take my bicycle to work. Bicycle, unicycle, uni-tard, hockey puck, rattle snake, monkey, monkey underpants."

Random things will just trigger me into a random cycle of thoughts. For example, I was driving home from work yesterday when I got behind this big massive pickup truck that was moving awfully slow. I kept wondering why it was moving slow. Why don't I go around? Too much traffic to get over. He should get over and get out of my way. Slow drivers in the fast lane suck. Why does the back window say of said truck read: "U.S. Armed Forces: Join them, Support them or get the hell out of my country?" Who puts such things on the back of their truck? Hillbillies. Hillbillies. Rednecks. Confederate flags. Who said it's your county? This land is your land, this land is my land, from California to the New York Islands... this land was made for me and you. I may or may not have been singing that last part out loud in my car. Either way this random train of thinking kept my mind of pressing matters such as the fact that I off work early to go to the doctor's office. Cue the music: "It's the most wonder-ful time of the year!"

Or not.

I hate going to the lady doctor, but it is a necessary evil. Especially if you are trying to have a baby and you aren't mechanically inclined to do so. So I put on my big girl panties (not literally) and made my way to the doctor's office. Now I'm always rull nervous to go to the lady doctor because I have this fear that it will result in them telling me I have cancer. Again, just part of the way my mind works. Luckily, I see this doctor that totally cracks me up every time a I see her:

• The first time I saw her, I went to put my feet up and she told me that I had big feet. Um, thanks? I should probably mention that she is a small Indian woman, but I don't think that my size 9 feet are that big. Whatevs. I'll take it as a compliment.
• As if the whole experience wasn't traumatizing enough, there was a student doctor there and she got to have a try at the ol' examine on me as well. Excellent.
• The last time I was there for infertility purposes she was going through my file and she noticed that the last doctor had diagnosed me with PCOS. She looked me and up and down and said, "But you're not very fat". Again, I guess I'll take this as a compliment.
• At the same visit, she asked my husband if he had ever fathered any children. He said no (of course not) and I said, "He better not have". And she started dying laughing. You would have thought Seinfeld himself came in was giving us our own personal comedy act.

She a real hoot, let me tell ya. I mean only this stuff would happen to me.

Yesterday though we were not all giggles. As per usual, the nurse led me in into the room and asked the normal stuff: last cycle, am I using contraception, etc. I said that I was not using contraception (hello, look in the file, the plumbing DOES NOT work!). She continues her stuff and then leaves me to wait for the doctor. My doctor comes in and do you know the first thing she says to me, "So you aren't using any contraception? Would you like some?" READ THE FILE! I have what I like to call "au naturale" birth control, meaning IT DOESN'T WORK! Jesus, Mary and Joseph (speaking of, while I was waiting, I said a Hail Mary to myself and I thought, "I bet Mary never had to worry about stuff like this" I mean really? Who thinks that?). But because I am a nice person, I simply smiled and reminded her that I had been in before for infertility so no I did not need contraception.

After the fun times were over, we talked about the infertility road and it's decided that after my next cycle, I will call to schedule a dye test (to check for blockages in my tubes). If there are blockages, they will most likely perform laparoscopy in order to remove those blockages. If there are none it's off to the fertility doctor with me. At this point, I'm not really sure which I prefer. I just have to remind myself, one step at a time.

I Want Money, That's What I Want

Tra, La.  I knew this morning when I pulled out my subdivision and someone honked at me, it would be a terrible day.  Silly me though, I ignored the feeling and told myself it would be a great day and shrugged it off.  Then there was major traffic, but no biggie!  The sun was shining! It was going to be a great day!  Then I got to work and I quickly realized that the person honking at me was truly a sign of foreboding of the day to come.  I am generally a glass is half empty kind of gal so really, I suppose this is what I get for being just a tad big optimistic.  I must remember to go with my gut instinct!

Long story short - my hours were cut at work.  Not tremendously, but enough to make me want to cry (of course I took the advice of one Kelly Cutrone and did not).  I don't really want to hash out all the details because if there is one thing I have learned from reading Meg at 2birds1blog, it's that you don't write about your place of employment, no matter how much entertainment they may provide for your blog.  So like Belinda Carlisle, my lips are sealed on this one. 

This was a major shot to my motivation though.  After putting all things baby on the back burner for a while, I was really to attack Mission Probable: Get Mama a Baby, head on and with full force.  One way or another I am/was focused on gettin' me a baby, but now...?

Admitedly on mine and husband's salaries alone, we would have to save for approximately 100 years before we could afford adoption or any major fertility treatment (ok that is a slight exaggeration, but only slightly).  I mean when it comes to these things we are talking beaucoup bucks.  Sure, for adoption you get major tax credits, but you know, you have to come up with the beaucoup bucks before you get the baby and tax credit. Part of Mission Probable was figuring out all that hooey.

Now I am just confused.  How can I actively pursue either path when things are somewhat unstable with work?  If we chose to pursue any one path, I would always be thinking in the back of mind, what if I lose my job?  What if I never get those hours back?  How will we make this work?  And the adoption agencies?  They would probably laugh in my face at this point.  "You're how old?"  "You are on a reduced work schedule?"  "Just how will you be able to afford this?"  I mean c'mon, this isn't an episode of One Tree Hill and I certainly am no Brooke Davis.  I have to wonder if maybe this is a sign from God telling me it's not time to pursue this.  That maybe I should wait until I am more financially stable.  Maybe this still just isn't my time.  Sheesh, it's enough to make a barren woman go crazy.

It's funny though how all roads lead to infertility when you are going through it.  When this was announced to me, I wasn't thinking about mortgage payments, bills, car payments, clothing purchases, vacations, etc.  I thought, "How am I going to make this getting a baby thing work?"  Priorities, people.  Priorities.

Am I making a bigger deal out of this than necessary - at least on the baby front - um, probably.  But the issue still remains that this venture is going to cost money, boatloads of money, that Mama doesn't have immediate access to.  This situation at work only make that issue that much more poignant.

What's a gal to do?



 

It's the Journey AND the Destination

Many moons ago, I went to the movies with some friends where we met some boys that were friends of a friend.  I was a sophomore in high school and I had no real interest in any of these boys.  Fast forward about 10 years and I have now been married to one of those boys for the past three years.  Life is funny that way. We have been seriously happy for those years.  We had a beautiful wedding, bought a nice house and adopted an adorable golden retreiver mix.  It's pretty much a picture perfect life right?  If life is a puzzle, then most of the puzzle pieces to my life have been put together to make this picture, but there is a big gaping hole in the puzzle.  Children.  You're probably wondering, "Just where is that baby?".    

Good question.  It's a question I wish I had the answer to, but unfortunately I don't.  What I do know is this: Most people wake up one morning, look at their spouse and agree that it's time to start a family.  A few months later, two is now three, three becomes four and so on.  For me and my husband?  It's just not that easy.

A little over a year ago, my husband and I decided that we wanted to start a family.  We were scared about what that might mean, but we were ready, or so we thought.  After much denial and months of nothing happening, I knew that something wasn't right.  My cycles just weren't "normal".  So I went to the doctor, where they confirmed my suspicions.  I don't ovulate... at least not on a normal basis.  Maybe I do, maybe I don't.  It's a crap shoot.  It was a letdown, but not really all that surprising.  And so it began... a long journey towards becoming a family.

We started out doing Clomid which ended as a FAIL.  We actually had one promising month, but it didn't end in a pregnancy.  The next month yielded no ovulation and a trip to the doctor where they referred me to a specialist and to do a dye test.  For several reasons we decided to hold off because we weren't sure that we were ready to pursue the whole thing.  So since October we have been a on break and that break has been amazing.  In that time, we went to California, celebrated Christmas, hung out with friends and my husband became Catholic. 

Recently though, we have decided the pick up the whole thing again because we are ready.  We are ready to start our family, ready to learn if we can do it with minimal treatment, ready to learn if there is no possible way.  We are ready for whatever.  So this where this blog comes in.  Some people say that it's not the journey it's the destination.  Some people say it's the destination not the journey.  For me, it's both the journey and the destination.

Hopefully, one way or another, this journey leads me to the destination I hope for: a baby.