I confess...

I confess that I enjoy hearing other people's stories of infertility.  Well, I guess "enjoy" really isn't the right word for the situation.  It's interesting to see and hear how others deal with the situation.  I've never really watched the show about Giuliana and Bill Rancic, but I am aware of their struggles to start a family.  I found this link today and I teared up reading it - especially the video  (Pathetic, I know).  It's nothing crazy special, but it was nice to see someone else say that their marriage is better and stronger because of their struggle.  I wholeheartedly believe that mine and my husband's marriage is stronger because of our journey which is important because so so many couples who struggle with infertility end in divorce.  I hope that their marriage continues to grow stronger in the face of adversity, just like ours has.

Video via Us Weekly

Perspective

This past weekend, the husband and I had some interesting conversations/revelations.  It is no secret that I want children.  I want to experience pregnancy (although not the morning sickness).  I want to know what it's like to have a baby growing inside of me and feel the baby move.  I want to look down and every week see my belly getting bigger (and no getting fat would not suffice). While I want to experience all those things, I am however not opposed to adoption.  If that is the path the leads us to parenthood then I'm all for it, as is the husband.  I can think of no better way to serve God and help a child in need than to adopt.  In some ways, I feel like it is what I was put on this earth to do, but there is still a lot of planning, prayer and thinking that needs to be done in order for any of that to become a reality. 

It's hard to make a move in any one direction though. 

I really like the way that my life is right now.  And so does my husband.

Don't get us wrong.  If I found out tomorrow I was expecting, we would be over the moon about it.  There is no doubt in my mind that we both want to be parents and that we would make good parents. 

It's just... we like the way life is right now.  We can go to work, come home and just veg out if we want.  We can decide last minute to run out to the mall or go to the movies.  We can take day trips up in Ohio to go shopping and spend our money on things we want.  We can plan a weekend trip only two weeks in advance.  We can sleep in late or stay up super late.  We can sit around the house all day long and not do a darn thing.  We are free to do just about whatever we want (within reason, obviously).

All that would change, drastically, if we were to have a baby.  Even though we have had nearly four years of this freedom, we don't know if we are quite ready to give that up just yet. 

Friday night we went to see a play with another married couple.  We left right after work and went to dinner and then to the show.  As we were leaving the husband and I got talking about the rest of the plans and somehow the topic of children got brought up.  We had watched our niece earlier in the week, and while we love spending time with her, we both agreed it was nice to send her home.  We could relax and just be with each other.  We didn't have to entertain anyone else or put anyone to bed.  We were responsible for no one but ourselves.  As we got talking about our Saturday we were both excited to be able to sleep in and then go out to breakfast.  Things that would not be impossible with children, but definitely not easy. 

While we were out to breakfast, we noticed a man and woman with twins.  They got served their food and then both had to cut up food and what not for the kids before they could ever even eat.  We both agreed that we were perfectly fine to be sitting there sans children and able to enjoy our food when it was served.

So what's the point in all this rambling?  It's all about perspective.  I often get jealous when people are pregnant or talk about their babies because I want that in my life.  I want to have the absolute surprise of taking a pregnancy test and finding a plus sign or two double lines or what have you.  However, I'm not 100% read to give up my current life.  I sometimes like the way things are!   I can sit here and say I'm so jealous that so and so is pregnant, but at the same time I like I can be selfish or just spend time with my husband. 

I am getting scared though.  I'm getting scared that I'm getting too comfortable with the way my life is that I'll never make the move to explore our options with fertility or adoption.  While I know that I want to have a family, it's hard to make the commitment to starting a family because I know that my life will change and it will change forever.  How will I know when I'm ready to let most of my freedoms go? 

I'm not writing this to rub it anyone's face that I can do whatever, and I'm not saying that it must suck to have children.  I'm just saying that for me, it's hard to make the commitment when I'm pretty happy with the way things are right now.  Is that so bad?

Overwhelmed

"I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?" 

I am definitely feeling overwhelmed at the moment.  With starting a new job you would think this would be perfectly acceptable, only I'm not feeling overwhelmed by my job at all (which is a nice change of pace).  So what is causing my state of angst?  

I am on pregnancy over.load. 

First, no, I'm NOT pregnant.  I really hate that any time I mention the "p" word, I feel the need to add this disclaimer, but I just feel that we should all be on the same page here.  I do realize that I'm kind of rambling here, but I want to write this entry and say something without saying something.  Am I making the least bit of sense here?  

Anyway, someone I have just met has recently disclosed that they are pregnant.  Normally news like this causes me a great deal of angst, but because I hardly know this person I'm not all that hung up about it.  I'm not jealous or sad, I'm just... whelmed, if you will.  I spent a good part of last week talking about pregnancy and sharing some of my infertility trials and tribulations (I make sound like I've been to war, but sometimes I do feel like I am at war with my body).  As we all know, I'm not really secretive about my infertility (hello, I blog about it to strangers, I think we past the point of secrets) so I don't mind sharing my experience.  All is find and dandy.  

Over the weekend though a friend asked how everything was going and if there was anything new and I really appreciated that.  I feel like we spend a lot of time talking about friends kids (which I understand and I don't begrudge them) so to have someone come out and ask makes me happy and lets me know they care.  Afterwards, on our way home though, I felt incredibly sad and frustrated.  It was not anything the friend said or did, I just think after a week of pregnancy talk, talking about friends kids and then my infertility, I just felt like a boulder was sitting on me.  That's what it feels like sometimes.  Like you just.can't.breathe.  I really can't explain it.   

I think I'm just having a "moment" as I'm wont to do.  Sometimes it's all fine and then we go through a period where everything is baby, baby, BABY and I'm like an ADD child on sensory overload.  For the most part I can handle baby and pregnancy talk, but sometimes it gets to be a bit too much for me and I need to take some time to myself.  I don't think that's too much to ask is it?

For Posterity's Sake

Change is on the horizon.  A change I didn't really think would ever happen (and before we get too far, no I am NOT pregnant). This year started out tumultuous and crazy and I have been living in the same holding pattern for nearly 12 whole months. Soon though, it's going to change.  And I'm happy and sad.  Excited and scared. Proud and guilty.  All at the same time. 

They say that things change when you least expect it and this case, "they" were most definitely right.  Sometimes when you stop searching and trying so hard, things just fall into place. 

Yes, change is on the horizon.

Redemption

So I feel like I should write another entry since my last entry was quite... emotional.  Ugh.  Sorry about that.  I just have a lot of feelings lately and I don't know what it is.  The holidays, maybe?  Whatever it is, it really needs to go away because I'm seriously watching an episode of One Tree Hill and TEARING UP.  I'm so pathetic right now!

MOVING ON

Last night I was in a bad place (clearly) and my husband, not really knowing why I was so crabby, fixed it without even knowing he was fixing my broken heart.  He had just picked up our wedding video that day and so we sat down to watch it together.  It was just what I needed to remind me of how lucky and blessed I really am, even I don't get everything I want. 

So let's back up.  Yes, I did get married three and a (halfish) years ago, and yes, I just saw my wedding video for the first time last night.  Allow me to explain.  Husband and I got married when we were fresh out of college.  I had graduated in December and he had graduated just two months before the big day.  We were quite young and had only been working in the professional world for a few months.  We didn't have tons o' money to be throwing around and neither did our parents.  Our parents really helped out, but we did have to cover a portion of the wedding ourselves.  One of they ways we saved money was by not having a videographer, which quite frankly, is still a decision I am ok with.  Even if we got married now and had tons of money to spend on the affair, I still don't think I would shell out the money to have a professional video.  Sure it's nice to have, but I just don't find it necessary.  Besides, I hate the way my recorded voice sounds. 

Anyway, that was a long drawn out way of saying that my uncle taped the ceremony and parts of the reception for us.  It was on a tape that we couldn't play.  For years, my husband has been begging me to get it converted to DVD and for his birthday I finally did.  So finally, we got to see ourselves get married.  It was sweet. 

After watching the video though I came to the following conclusions:

• I would like to get married again.  Because that?  Was a heck of a good time.
• I was a bit heavier back then.  Not much, but I notice it.  Yick.
• The colors were gorgeous, no?

•  I still hate the way my voice sounds on video.
• I don't recognize some of the people who were at my wedding.  Is that bad?
• I STILL love my wedding cake.

But overall, I noticed how happy and in love we were (and still are).  I was reminded of what it felt like to have our entire future stretch out in front of us and not worry about the good and the bad.  It was a single night in our long past and future - really just a moment in time.  And for that moment our world was perfect, and it still is because no matter what, we still have each other.

Yeah, I think that's just the reminder I needed. 

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

Here come the emotions...

Well it's official: People my age are on to the second pregnancies and I can't even achieve one.  In a word, it's heartbreaking.  It's so hard to listen to someone tell you they are pregnant again and you can't even have one.  Of course I smile and congratulate, but on the inside I'm crying.  On the inside I'm so angry at myself and God.  Just sad.

To make matters worse, I'm pretty sure that I have come home everyday this week to get on on Facebook and find another person is pregnant.  I don't understand.

All I can think of this episode of Sex and the City - Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda.  I'm sure you've seen it - Miranda finds out she is pregnant while Charlotte finds out she is infertile.  There are two scenes in this episode that just bring me to tears.  The first is when Charlotte comes to brunch angry and frustrated that she has gotten her period and she says:

Charlotte: Do you know how many times Trey and I have done it without a condom?  73.  Have you any idea how much perfectly fine semen that is?

Carrie: No.  Samantha, rough estimate?

Charlotte: Enough for me to know in my bones that it's me.  And the big joke is, I spent my entire twenties worried that I'd get pregnant.  I could have been screwing everything in sight!  

Honestly?  It doesn't get more honest than that.  That pretty much sums up how you feel, how you know it's you.  You just know that you're the problem and that the situation is hopeless.  And she's right.  The big joke is, you do worry about getting pregnant and then you find out, in never could have happened.  When I think of how many times I worried about it, I could just kick myself.  

The other scene is when Charlotte runs into Miranda after Charlotte finds out that she is in fact infertile.

Miranda: This is hard for me too, you know?  And it doesn't make it any easier worrying that you hate me because you think you can't get pregnant.

Charlotte: I can't get pregnant.

Miranda: If I can, you can.

Charlotte: No I can't.  I just came from the doctor.  Here.  My body is attacking Trey's sperm.  15% chance! 15% change of ever having a baby!  Is it ok if I go now? 

Again, it breaks my heart.  I can't even watch the scene without bursting into tears.  Which, yeah, I just watched and sobbed myself silly.  

By the end of the episode, Miranda decides to keep the baby and Charlotte is happy for her.  And ultimately?  Yes, I am happy for those people in my life that are able to get pregnant.  I still love them and I love their children and am happy to be part of their lives.  Before I ever knew I had infertility issues, I admired Charlotte for her strength and bravery throughout the rest of the series regarding infertility.  She always managed to put others before the pain of what she was dealing with.  I know she is just a fictional character, but still, I find that I do identify with the character so much.  I hope that I can have just a bit of her strength and bravery because Lord knows it's tough.  

Perhaps my favorite scenes with Charlotte are here - especially around the 3:02 mark.  

Sorry the volume is so low - it's the only one I could find. I hope that one day, my husband and I share a moment just like that. And now I'm crying again. Like I said, here come the emotions...

Sometimes it just hits me harder than others and since my husband told me on Thanksgiving he thinks these will be the last holidays with his mother, all I can think about is how we don't have any grandchildren for her.  That if we are ever blessed enough to have children they will not know either of their grandparents on that side and she will never know them.  And what's worse, it's not my choice.  I could more easily accept this if it were a personal choice but it's not.

I don't know.  I guess just chalk it up to typical holiday emotions.  I'll be back to myself... hopefully sooner rather than later!

And to clarify, I don't hate people that are pregnant/can get pregnant.  I'm angry with myself and my situation and no one else (and maybe a little angry with God, but that's between me and Him).  Just thought I should throw that in!!