Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

Here come the emotions...

Well it's official: People my age are on to the second pregnancies and I can't even achieve one.  In a word, it's heartbreaking.  It's so hard to listen to someone tell you they are pregnant again and you can't even have one.  Of course I smile and congratulate, but on the inside I'm crying.  On the inside I'm so angry at myself and God.  Just sad.

To make matters worse, I'm pretty sure that I have come home everyday this week to get on on Facebook and find another person is pregnant.  I don't understand.

All I can think of this episode of Sex and the City - Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda.  I'm sure you've seen it - Miranda finds out she is pregnant while Charlotte finds out she is infertile.  There are two scenes in this episode that just bring me to tears.  The first is when Charlotte comes to brunch angry and frustrated that she has gotten her period and she says:

Charlotte: Do you know how many times Trey and I have done it without a condom?  73.  Have you any idea how much perfectly fine semen that is?
Carrie: No.  Samantha, rough estimate?
Charlotte: Enough for me to know in my bones that it's me.  And the big joke is, I spent my entire twenties worried that I'd get pregnant.  I could have been screwing everything in sight!  

Honestly?  It doesn't get more honest than that.  That pretty much sums up how you feel, how you know it's you.  You just know that you're the problem and that the situation is hopeless.  And she's right.  The big joke is, you do worry about getting pregnant and then you find out, in never could have happened.  When I think of how many times I worried about it, I could just kick myself.  

The other scene is when Charlotte runs into Miranda after Charlotte finds out that she is in fact infertile.

Miranda: This is hard for me too, you know?  And it doesn't make it any easier worrying that you hate me because you think you can't get pregnant.
Charlotte: I can't get pregnant.
Miranda: If I can, you can.
Charlotte: No I can't.  I just came from the doctor.  Here.  My body is attacking Trey's sperm.  15% chance! 15% change of ever having a baby!  Is it ok if I go now? 

Again, it breaks my heart.  I can't even watch the scene without bursting into tears.  Which, yeah, I just watched and sobbed myself silly.  

By the end of the episode, Miranda decides to keep the baby and Charlotte is happy for her.  And ultimately?  Yes, I am happy for those people in my life that are able to get pregnant.  I still love them and I love their children and am happy to be part of their lives.  Before I ever knew I had infertility issues, I admired Charlotte for her strength and bravery throughout the rest of the series regarding infertility.  She always managed to put others before the pain of what she was dealing with.  I know she is just a fictional character, but still, I find that I do identify with the character so much.  I hope that I can have just a bit of her strength and bravery because Lord knows it's tough.  

Perhaps my favorite scenes with Charlotte are here - especially around the 3:02 mark.  

Sorry the volume is so low - it's the only one I could find. I hope that one day, my husband and I share a moment just like that. And now I'm crying again. Like I said, here come the emotions...

Sometimes it just hits me harder than others and since my husband told me on Thanksgiving he thinks these will be the last holidays with his mother, all I can think about is how we don't have any grandchildren for her.  That if we are ever blessed enough to have children they will not know either of their grandparents on that side and she will never know them.  And what's worse, it's not my choice.  I could more easily accept this if it were a personal choice but it's not.

I don't know.  I guess just chalk it up to typical holiday emotions.  I'll be back to myself... hopefully sooner rather than later!

And to clarify, I don't hate people that are pregnant/can get pregnant.  I'm angry with myself and my situation and no one else (and maybe a little angry with God, but that's between me and Him).  Just thought I should throw that in!!

1 comment:

  1. Oh sweet girl I hate this for you :( Part of me wants to say keep the faith and all that other cliche stuff, but I know that won't help. I won't pretend to understand what you're going through, but know that my heart goes out to you ((Hug))


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