Wednesday, April 14, 2010

How My Mind Works

My flow of consciousness is somewhat... loopy at times. I will find myself focusing on a task or thinking about something and all of sudden my mind is totally somewhere else and I'm thinking... where did that come from? It's not unlike Lorelai Gilmore:

"Because my brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish: I'm writing a letter, I can't write a letter. Why can't I write a letter? I'm wearing a green dress. I wish I was wearing my blue dress. My blue dress is at the cleaners. The Germans wore gray, you wore green. Casablanca. Casablanca is such a good movie. Casablanca. The White House. Bush. Why don't I drive a hybrid car? I should really drive a hybrid car. I should really take my bicycle to work. Bicycle, unicycle, uni-tard, hockey puck, rattle snake, monkey, monkey underpants."

Random things will just trigger me into a random cycle of thoughts. For example, I was driving home from work yesterday when I got behind this big massive pickup truck that was moving awfully slow. I kept wondering why it was moving slow. Why don't I go around? Too much traffic to get over. He should get over and get out of my way. Slow drivers in the fast lane suck. Why does the back window say of said truck read: "U.S. Armed Forces: Join them, Support them or get the hell out of my country?" Who puts such things on the back of their truck? Hillbillies. Hillbillies. Rednecks. Confederate flags. Who said it's your county? This land is your land, this land is my land, from California to the New York Islands... this land was made for me and you. I may or may not have been singing that last part out loud in my car. Either way this random train of thinking kept my mind of pressing matters such as the fact that I off work early to go to the doctor's office. Cue the music: "It's the most wonder-ful time of the year!"

Or not.

I hate going to the lady doctor, but it is a necessary evil. Especially if you are trying to have a baby and you aren't mechanically inclined to do so. So I put on my big girl panties (not literally) and made my way to the doctor's office. Now I'm always rull nervous to go to the lady doctor because I have this fear that it will result in them telling me I have cancer. Again, just part of the way my mind works. Luckily, I see this doctor that totally cracks me up every time a I see her:
  • The first time I saw her, I went to put my feet up and she told me that I had big feet. Um, thanks? I should probably mention that she is a small Indian woman, but I don't think that my size 9 feet are that big. Whatevs. I'll take it as a compliment.
  • As if the whole experience wasn't traumatizing enough, there was a student doctor there and she got to have a try at the ol' examine on me as well. Excellent.
  • The last time I was there for infertility purposes she was going through my file and she noticed that the last doctor had diagnosed me with PCOS. She looked me and up and down and said, "But you're not very fat". Again, I guess I'll take this as a compliment.
  • At the same visit, she asked my husband if he had ever fathered any children. He said no (of course not) and I said, "He better not have". And she started dying laughing. You would have thought Seinfeld himself came in was giving us our own personal comedy act.

She a real hoot, let me tell ya. I mean only this stuff would happen to me.

Yesterday though we were not all giggles. As per usual, the nurse led me in into the room and asked the normal stuff: last cycle, am I using contraception, etc. I said that I was not using contraception (hello, look in the file, the plumbing DOES NOT work!). She continues her stuff and then leaves me to wait for the doctor. My doctor comes in and do you know the first thing she says to me, "So you aren't using any contraception? Would you like some?" READ THE FILE! I have what I like to call "au naturale" birth control, meaning IT DOESN'T WORK! Jesus, Mary and Joseph (speaking of, while I was waiting, I said a Hail Mary to myself and I thought, "I bet Mary never had to worry about stuff like this" I mean really? Who thinks that?). But because I am a nice person, I simply smiled and reminded her that I had been in before for infertility so no I did not need contraception.

After the fun times were over, we talked about the infertility road and it's decided that after my next cycle, I will call to schedule a dye test (to check for blockages in my tubes). If there are blockages, they will most likely perform laparoscopy in order to remove those blockages. If there are none it's off to the fertility doctor with me. At this point, I'm not really sure which I prefer. I just have to remind myself, one step at a time.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I Want Money, That's What I Want

Tra, La.  I knew this morning when I pulled out my subdivision and someone honked at me, it would be a terrible day.  Silly me though, I ignored the feeling and told myself it would be a great day and shrugged it off.  Then there was major traffic, but no biggie!  The sun was shining! It was going to be a great day!  Then I got to work and I quickly realized that the person honking at me was truly a sign of foreboding of the day to come.  I am generally a glass is half empty kind of gal so really, I suppose this is what I get for being just a tad big optimistic.  I must remember to go with my gut instinct!

Long story short - my hours were cut at work.  Not tremendously, but enough to make me want to cry (of course I took the advice of one Kelly Cutrone and did not).  I don't really want to hash out all the details because if there is one thing I have learned from reading Meg at 2birds1blog, it's that you don't write about your place of employment, no matter how much entertainment they may provide for your blog.  So like Belinda Carlisle, my lips are sealed on this one. 

This was a major shot to my motivation though.  After putting all things baby on the back burner for a while, I was really to attack Mission Probable: Get Mama a Baby, head on and with full force.  One way or another I am/was focused on gettin' me a baby, but now...?

Admitedly on mine and husband's salaries alone, we would have to save for approximately 100 years before we could afford adoption or any major fertility treatment (ok that is a slight exaggeration, but only slightly).  I mean when it comes to these things we are talking beaucoup bucks.  Sure, for adoption you get major tax credits, but you know, you have to come up with the beaucoup bucks before you get the baby and tax credit. Part of Mission Probable was figuring out all that hooey.

Now I am just confused.  How can I actively pursue either path when things are somewhat unstable with work?  If we chose to pursue any one path, I would always be thinking in the back of mind, what if I lose my job?  What if I never get those hours back?  How will we make this work?  And the adoption agencies?  They would probably laugh in my face at this point.  "You're how old?"  "You are on a reduced work schedule?"  "Just how will you be able to afford this?"  I mean c'mon, this isn't an episode of One Tree Hill and I certainly am no Brooke Davis.  I have to wonder if maybe this is a sign from God telling me it's not time to pursue this.  That maybe I should wait until I am more financially stable.  Maybe this still just isn't my time.  Sheesh, it's enough to make a barren woman go crazy.

It's funny though how all roads lead to infertility when you are going through it.  When this was announced to me, I wasn't thinking about mortgage payments, bills, car payments, clothing purchases, vacations, etc.  I thought, "How am I going to make this getting a baby thing work?"  Priorities, people.  Priorities.

Am I making a bigger deal out of this than necessary - at least on the baby front - um, probably.  But the issue still remains that this venture is going to cost money, boatloads of money, that Mama doesn't have immediate access to.  This situation at work only make that issue that much more poignant.

What's a gal to do?


Monday, April 5, 2010

It's the Journey AND the Destination

Many moons ago, I went to the movies with some friends where we met some boys that were friends of a friend.  I was a sophomore in high school and I had no real interest in any of these boys.  Fast forward about 10 years and I have now been married to one of those boys for the past three years.  Life is funny that way. We have been seriously happy for those years.  We had a beautiful wedding, bought a nice house and adopted an adorable golden retreiver mix.  It's pretty much a picture perfect life right?  If life is a puzzle, then most of the puzzle pieces to my life have been put together to make this picture, but there is a big gaping hole in the puzzle.  Children.  You're probably wondering, "Just where is that baby?".    

Good question.  It's a question I wish I had the answer to, but unfortunately I don't.  What I do know is this: Most people wake up one morning, look at their spouse and agree that it's time to start a family.  A few months later, two is now three, three becomes four and so on.  For me and my husband?  It's just not that easy.

A little over a year ago, my husband and I decided that we wanted to start a family.  We were scared about what that might mean, but we were ready, or so we thought.  After much denial and months of nothing happening, I knew that something wasn't right.  My cycles just weren't "normal".  So I went to the doctor, where they confirmed my suspicions.  I don't ovulate... at least not on a normal basis.  Maybe I do, maybe I don't.  It's a crap shoot.  It was a letdown, but not really all that surprising.  And so it began... a long journey towards becoming a family.

We started out doing Clomid which ended as a FAIL.  We actually had one promising month, but it didn't end in a pregnancy.  The next month yielded no ovulation and a trip to the doctor where they referred me to a specialist and to do a dye test.  For several reasons we decided to hold off because we weren't sure that we were ready to pursue the whole thing.  So since October we have been a on break and that break has been amazing.  In that time, we went to California, celebrated Christmas, hung out with friends and my husband became Catholic. 

Recently though, we have decided the pick up the whole thing again because we are ready.  We are ready to start our family, ready to learn if we can do it with minimal treatment, ready to learn if there is no possible way.  We are ready for whatever.  So this where this blog comes in.  Some people say that it's not the journey it's the destination.  Some people say it's the destination not the journey.  For me, it's both the journey and the destination.

Hopefully, one way or another, this journey leads me to the destination I hope for: a baby.
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