For Posterity's Sake

Change is on the horizon.  A change I didn't really think would ever happen (and before we get too far, no I am NOT pregnant). This year started out tumultuous and crazy and I have been living in the same holding pattern for nearly 12 whole months. Soon though, it's going to change.  And I'm happy and sad.  Excited and scared. Proud and guilty.  All at the same time. 

They say that things change when you least expect it and this case, "they" were most definitely right.  Sometimes when you stop searching and trying so hard, things just fall into place. 

Yes, change is on the horizon.

The Great Kentucky Debate (A Rant)

Generally, if you are from Kentucky, you either fall into one of two categories:

1. UK Fan
2. U of L Fan

There are a few people who dissent from both and follow either UC or Xavier (and in some really odd and bizarre cases Duke).

In this house we fall into the first category - UK fans.  Now, I'm not as big of a fan as my husband, but I do support the Big Blue over those stupid Cardinals any day of the week.

And living in the great commonwealth of Kentucky, I know how UK fans can be.  They can be a bit... obnoxious.  They like to count out their National Championships (seven) and talk about how they are the winningest program (first collegiate team with over 2,000 wins) and they like to talk about how great and wonderful and storied their program is.  I get it.  I get why a lot of people who aren't UK fans hate UK fans.

What I don't get?  Is why those people *cough*U of L/UC/etc. fans *cough* like to blow up my twitter and facebook spouting off about how "terrible" UK is and how it's "funny" when they are losing.  It is especially annoying when no one is saying anything bad to them about their teams.  No one is saying that it's pathetic they play no name schools.  No one is saying UC?  Who is that?  No one is bothering them, so why for the love of all that is holy do they blow up my news feed with this garbage?  Are they that bored that they have nothing better to do with their time?  Is their team that terrible that they have to watch UK just to be entertained?  And why do they have to harp on my husband who says nothing bad about their teams?  It is extremely irritating to me.  If you couldn't tell.

I guess the point of this entry is... well there is no point other than me just spouting off.  So there's that. Oh and...

GO BIG BLUE!!!

(for just the mere fact of making the haters shut up about it already!!)

Grrr...

Today was my last day of my time off.  I took Monday and today off because well... I had to take today as a "furlough" day and so I thought why not take Monday too?  So I did.  Besides I had to use my PTO because otherwise, I'm probably going to lose it.  Especially after this Friday - but THAT is a different post for a the very near future.  Anyway, I'm both happy and sad that today was my last day off.  Sad because that means I have to go back to work and happy because I get to become a functioning member of society again.  Well that's not totally true.  Yesterday the husband and I did spend the entire day Christmas shopping and lunching with some friends.  If stimulating a lagging economy isn't being a productive member of society, I don't know what is.  However, between today and Sunday I've been real lazy.  Sure I cleaned both days, but when I hardly leave the house I feel like a lazy hermit. Furthermore, one can only watch so many episodes of One Tree Hill, Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars before one's head explodes. 

I did have these grand plans to write a few blog entries, all which included pictures, and then I realized I couldn't find my USB cord.  Such is my life.  So I'm frustrated about that.  Why is it, I can never find the darn thing when I need it?  If I don't find it within the next few days, it's going to be okay because I am getting a Nikon Cool Pix for Christmas so there's always that. 

So instead of getting a post about the fun stuff I was going to write about, you get me, complaining.  How lucky!  Oh!  You can also take a look at my To Do list for the rest of the week.  Some of the stuff probably makes no sense whatsoever, but maybe next week it will.  Cryptic much?  In looking at it, I probably should have tackled some of it today, but... Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda.

Oh and I just remembered - I have a DZ family dinner for tomorrow night too!  Funny how the things just add up. 

I hope everyone had a great Tuesday!

Are We Getting Wiser, or Just Older

I'm pretty sure the universe is trying to tell me something, and that something is that I'm old.  Apparently a lot older than I always thought I was.  Allow me to explain...

About a week ago, I was looking at the ads on my Facebook page for funsies, you know just to see how well Facebook knew me.  There was an ad for Delta Zeta memorabilia and then this:

Yeah that's right.  Facebook targeted me for advertising on defective hip replacements.  WHAT?!  Aren't they supposed to use information from you profile to target advertise to you?  Hence the Delta Zeta ads and the fact that I get all kinds of pregnancy ads (because I'm a certain age and married I suppose).  But this?  I was just insulted.  I scoured my profile trying to figure out why I would get this, but the jury is still out on that one.

So life went on and all was well and I decided to write the whole thing off as a funny joke.  Until Saturday afternoon.  I came home from running errands and found the mail sitting on the counter.  I was going through it when I found an envelope with the following letters on it - AARP.  It was addressed to none other than yours truly.  WHAT THE BLEEPITY BLEEP?!  I ran down to the basement where my husband was watching TV and thrust it in his face.  

Me:  What the F is this??
Him: LOLOLOLOLOL Is your card in there too?

I frantically opened the envelope to find:

(Sorry for the crappy cell phone picture.  And don't be jealous of the mad photoshopping skillz.)

Yes, it's true.  I had  have my very own AARP card.   My husband's response?

Him: I have to Facebook this right now.

Thanks, honey.  

In the end, I put this picture on FB and someone suggested that I activate the card and then take it to restaurants and demand for a discount.  Not a bad idea.

What I find just as insulting as actually receiving the AARP card is that it is in my maiden name.  So now no only does AARP think I'm old, they think I'm an old maid.  So I got that going for me too.

Oh universe.  Whatever am I going to with you?

Redemption

So I feel like I should write another entry since my last entry was quite... emotional.  Ugh.  Sorry about that.  I just have a lot of feelings lately and I don't know what it is.  The holidays, maybe?  Whatever it is, it really needs to go away because I'm seriously watching an episode of One Tree Hill and TEARING UP.  I'm so pathetic right now!

MOVING ON

Last night I was in a bad place (clearly) and my husband, not really knowing why I was so crabby, fixed it without even knowing he was fixing my broken heart.  He had just picked up our wedding video that day and so we sat down to watch it together.  It was just what I needed to remind me of how lucky and blessed I really am, even I don't get everything I want. 

So let's back up.  Yes, I did get married three and a (halfish) years ago, and yes, I just saw my wedding video for the first time last night.  Allow me to explain.  Husband and I got married when we were fresh out of college.  I had graduated in December and he had graduated just two months before the big day.  We were quite young and had only been working in the professional world for a few months.  We didn't have tons o' money to be throwing around and neither did our parents.  Our parents really helped out, but we did have to cover a portion of the wedding ourselves.  One of they ways we saved money was by not having a videographer, which quite frankly, is still a decision I am ok with.  Even if we got married now and had tons of money to spend on the affair, I still don't think I would shell out the money to have a professional video.  Sure it's nice to have, but I just don't find it necessary.  Besides, I hate the way my recorded voice sounds. 

Anyway, that was a long drawn out way of saying that my uncle taped the ceremony and parts of the reception for us.  It was on a tape that we couldn't play.  For years, my husband has been begging me to get it converted to DVD and for his birthday I finally did.  So finally, we got to see ourselves get married.  It was sweet. 

After watching the video though I came to the following conclusions:

• I would like to get married again.  Because that?  Was a heck of a good time.
• I was a bit heavier back then.  Not much, but I notice it.  Yick.
• The colors were gorgeous, no?

•  I still hate the way my voice sounds on video.
• I don't recognize some of the people who were at my wedding.  Is that bad?
• I STILL love my wedding cake.

But overall, I noticed how happy and in love we were (and still are).  I was reminded of what it felt like to have our entire future stretch out in front of us and not worry about the good and the bad.  It was a single night in our long past and future - really just a moment in time.  And for that moment our world was perfect, and it still is because no matter what, we still have each other.

Yeah, I think that's just the reminder I needed. 

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

Here come the emotions...

Well it's official: People my age are on to the second pregnancies and I can't even achieve one.  In a word, it's heartbreaking.  It's so hard to listen to someone tell you they are pregnant again and you can't even have one.  Of course I smile and congratulate, but on the inside I'm crying.  On the inside I'm so angry at myself and God.  Just sad.

To make matters worse, I'm pretty sure that I have come home everyday this week to get on on Facebook and find another person is pregnant.  I don't understand.

All I can think of this episode of Sex and the City - Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda.  I'm sure you've seen it - Miranda finds out she is pregnant while Charlotte finds out she is infertile.  There are two scenes in this episode that just bring me to tears.  The first is when Charlotte comes to brunch angry and frustrated that she has gotten her period and she says:

Charlotte: Do you know how many times Trey and I have done it without a condom?  73.  Have you any idea how much perfectly fine semen that is?

Carrie: No.  Samantha, rough estimate?

Charlotte: Enough for me to know in my bones that it's me.  And the big joke is, I spent my entire twenties worried that I'd get pregnant.  I could have been screwing everything in sight!  

Honestly?  It doesn't get more honest than that.  That pretty much sums up how you feel, how you know it's you.  You just know that you're the problem and that the situation is hopeless.  And she's right.  The big joke is, you do worry about getting pregnant and then you find out, in never could have happened.  When I think of how many times I worried about it, I could just kick myself.  

The other scene is when Charlotte runs into Miranda after Charlotte finds out that she is in fact infertile.

Miranda: This is hard for me too, you know?  And it doesn't make it any easier worrying that you hate me because you think you can't get pregnant.

Charlotte: I can't get pregnant.

Miranda: If I can, you can.

Charlotte: No I can't.  I just came from the doctor.  Here.  My body is attacking Trey's sperm.  15% chance! 15% change of ever having a baby!  Is it ok if I go now? 

Again, it breaks my heart.  I can't even watch the scene without bursting into tears.  Which, yeah, I just watched and sobbed myself silly.  

By the end of the episode, Miranda decides to keep the baby and Charlotte is happy for her.  And ultimately?  Yes, I am happy for those people in my life that are able to get pregnant.  I still love them and I love their children and am happy to be part of their lives.  Before I ever knew I had infertility issues, I admired Charlotte for her strength and bravery throughout the rest of the series regarding infertility.  She always managed to put others before the pain of what she was dealing with.  I know she is just a fictional character, but still, I find that I do identify with the character so much.  I hope that I can have just a bit of her strength and bravery because Lord knows it's tough.  

Perhaps my favorite scenes with Charlotte are here - especially around the 3:02 mark.  

Sorry the volume is so low - it's the only one I could find. I hope that one day, my husband and I share a moment just like that. And now I'm crying again. Like I said, here come the emotions...

Sometimes it just hits me harder than others and since my husband told me on Thanksgiving he thinks these will be the last holidays with his mother, all I can think about is how we don't have any grandchildren for her.  That if we are ever blessed enough to have children they will not know either of their grandparents on that side and she will never know them.  And what's worse, it's not my choice.  I could more easily accept this if it were a personal choice but it's not.

I don't know.  I guess just chalk it up to typical holiday emotions.  I'll be back to myself... hopefully sooner rather than later!

And to clarify, I don't hate people that are pregnant/can get pregnant.  I'm angry with myself and my situation and no one else (and maybe a little angry with God, but that's between me and Him).  Just thought I should throw that in!!