Confession Session

They say that confession is good for the soul (trust me, I'm Catholic.  I know these things).  With that I have a confession to make, oddly enough about a Catholic tradition - sacrifice during Lent.  I'm sure you are aware that during for the 40 days before Lent Catholics tend to give something up in order to remember the sacrifice that Jesus made for us.  By forgoing something, we are reminded each time we are tempted to do that thing we have given up of the sacrifice of Jesus.

Well, ladies,  I must confess that I.am.struggling. with what I have up this year - senseless spending.  Meaning, the only things I am buying are food and products that I already use.  For example, it's perfectly acceptable for me to buy shampoo because I use that on a regular basis.  It's ok to buy foundation/mascara/eyeliner if I run out since I use it everyday.  What's NOT acceptable is buying more eyeshadow (because I have a lot) or nail polish (because I have plenty to choose from).  This of course goes beyond makeup to include clothing, shoes, accessories - you get the picture.

In the short time that I have been doing this, I realized something.

It's hard. 

I'm pathetic.

I'd like to say that this experience is drawing me close to God, but really I'm just kicking myself every time I see something I want to buy.  But I'm sticking with it and maybe every time I feel tempted I should say a prayer.  Maybe that will help me, but it's so hard when I want to buy:

Essie - Topless and Barefoot

Rose Rings from LizHutnick on Etsy

 

Heritage Cardigans from Land's End Canvas

(One in every color preferably)

NARS blush in Orgasm

 

Marc Jacobs Daisy

They tease, they wink, they beckon...

And really that's only scratching the surface.  Oh Easter, please hurry up and get here quickly so that I can buy myself something from this list!  

It's Everywhere that you Go

For some reason I feel like a lot of TV shows/movies that I like have a plot line about a couple that is having infertility issues.  Let me first explain that I do not pick these shows because of the plot line.  Generally, I watch the show/movie and then this plot line comes out of nowhere, but that's ok.  I enjoy seeing Hollywood's take on it. 

Most recently the show that has been featuring it that we have been watching is Mad Men (we're only on season 2 so don't ruin anything for me if you watch it!).  One of the characters and his wife have been trying to have a baby and they haven't been able to.  For various reasons we know it's her and not him (I don't want to give too much way!).  The most recent episode that we watched featured the woman wanting to adopt and the man not wanting to have any part of it because those babies are the "rejects".  All I can say is thank GOD I do not live in the 60's or that my husband is not a giant you know what.

So long story short... it got me curious about adoption.  There is a very real chance that adoption will be one of our only options and it's high time I got myself acquainted with the process.  We are most interested in going through Catholic Social Services and per their local website here are some FAQ's that really answered some of my questions I had. 

Q: What are the eligibility requirements to adopt through Catholic Charities of Northern Kentucky?
A: We work with couples who are experiencing infertility, have been married at least three years, are residents of the Diocese of Covington and between the ages of 25 and 45. Couples must be in good health, have a normal life expectancy, and have the physical, financial and emotional resources to attend to the needs of a growing child. Couples of all faiths are welcome to apply. Q: How much does it cost?

A: Our fees are based on a sliding scale according to income. The total expenses usually run between $11,000 and $17,000 before the $11,650 Federal Adoption Tax Credit, which can reduce the total paid to less than $6,000.

Q: How long is the wait?

A: After the home study is completed, the average wait for a placement is between twelve and eighteen months.

Q: Can I choose between a closed and open adoption?

A: Yes. Adoptive parents and birth parents are encouraged to design the adoption plan best suited to their needs and the needs of their child.

Q: What is the typical birth mother like?

A: She is a young woman of considerable maturity and courage. She sees the benefits of counseling and is invested in making the right decision for herself and her child.

Q: How old are the children placed for adoption?

A: Almost all children placed through our adoption program are newborns and are generally placed directly from the hospital.

All looks good, but I'm nervous about the money.  If we are serious about adoption, I think my next step is to research ways to make this a financial option.  One way or another, I will have a child!

Perspective

This past weekend, the husband and I had some interesting conversations/revelations.  It is no secret that I want children.  I want to experience pregnancy (although not the morning sickness).  I want to know what it's like to have a baby growing inside of me and feel the baby move.  I want to look down and every week see my belly getting bigger (and no getting fat would not suffice). While I want to experience all those things, I am however not opposed to adoption.  If that is the path the leads us to parenthood then I'm all for it, as is the husband.  I can think of no better way to serve God and help a child in need than to adopt.  In some ways, I feel like it is what I was put on this earth to do, but there is still a lot of planning, prayer and thinking that needs to be done in order for any of that to become a reality. 

It's hard to make a move in any one direction though. 

I really like the way that my life is right now.  And so does my husband.

Don't get us wrong.  If I found out tomorrow I was expecting, we would be over the moon about it.  There is no doubt in my mind that we both want to be parents and that we would make good parents. 

It's just... we like the way life is right now.  We can go to work, come home and just veg out if we want.  We can decide last minute to run out to the mall or go to the movies.  We can take day trips up in Ohio to go shopping and spend our money on things we want.  We can plan a weekend trip only two weeks in advance.  We can sleep in late or stay up super late.  We can sit around the house all day long and not do a darn thing.  We are free to do just about whatever we want (within reason, obviously).

All that would change, drastically, if we were to have a baby.  Even though we have had nearly four years of this freedom, we don't know if we are quite ready to give that up just yet. 

Friday night we went to see a play with another married couple.  We left right after work and went to dinner and then to the show.  As we were leaving the husband and I got talking about the rest of the plans and somehow the topic of children got brought up.  We had watched our niece earlier in the week, and while we love spending time with her, we both agreed it was nice to send her home.  We could relax and just be with each other.  We didn't have to entertain anyone else or put anyone to bed.  We were responsible for no one but ourselves.  As we got talking about our Saturday we were both excited to be able to sleep in and then go out to breakfast.  Things that would not be impossible with children, but definitely not easy. 

While we were out to breakfast, we noticed a man and woman with twins.  They got served their food and then both had to cut up food and what not for the kids before they could ever even eat.  We both agreed that we were perfectly fine to be sitting there sans children and able to enjoy our food when it was served.

So what's the point in all this rambling?  It's all about perspective.  I often get jealous when people are pregnant or talk about their babies because I want that in my life.  I want to have the absolute surprise of taking a pregnancy test and finding a plus sign or two double lines or what have you.  However, I'm not 100% read to give up my current life.  I sometimes like the way things are!   I can sit here and say I'm so jealous that so and so is pregnant, but at the same time I like I can be selfish or just spend time with my husband. 

I am getting scared though.  I'm getting scared that I'm getting too comfortable with the way my life is that I'll never make the move to explore our options with fertility or adoption.  While I know that I want to have a family, it's hard to make the commitment to starting a family because I know that my life will change and it will change forever.  How will I know when I'm ready to let most of my freedoms go? 

I'm not writing this to rub it anyone's face that I can do whatever, and I'm not saying that it must suck to have children.  I'm just saying that for me, it's hard to make the commitment when I'm pretty happy with the way things are right now.  Is that so bad?

A Question...

I know that there are many teachers out there in the blogosphere so I propose this question to you all:

How do you do it every.single.day?

No... seriously.  I teach CCD, or Catholic Education classes to Catholic children that go to Public School.  It's for an hour every Monday night and most nights are tolerable.  Enjoyable even.  But tonight?  Tonight was difficult.  They were wild and crazy.  And I could handle that.  Really and truly.  But they also had attitudes.  Oh the attitudes.  That's hard for me to take.

I know it's the excitement of having the next five days off of school and the excitement of Christmas.  I get it.  I do.  It's hard for me to focus at work knowing that I have a few days off.  

What's sad is I was going to do this for a living!  I guess God really does know what he's doing, after all.  Oy vey.  

Now I shall self medicate with episodes of One Tree Hill.  Season 6 is playing on the WB!

Catch Up

So I missed a few days in the 30 day Blog Challenge, but there is always time to catch up, right?

Let's get started:

Day 12 - What you Believe

I believe:

• in God
• some of God's greatest gifts really are unanswered prayers
• everything happens for a reason.  You may not know it at the time, but there is a reason for it.
• one day I will have a family.
• in the goodness of my family and friends.
• an episode of Sex and the City or Gilmore Girls has fix just about anything.
• in the color pink.
• sometimes being lazy can be fun.
• in marriage.
• in being the best version of myself.
• in myself.

Day 13 - Goals

Honestly, I don't have a ton of goals.  There is really only one that is near and dear to my heart and that's number one and the list.

• Start a family
• Get a new job
• Complete my 30 before 30 goals
• Payoff any and all debt (besides the mortgage)
• Be a better person

Day 14 - A picture you love

Easy

I know I have shown it a million times, but I love it all the same.

Day 15 - Bible Verse

Again this is easy for me.  The following is my favorite Bible Verse:

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Philippians 4:13

This was my grandma's favorite Bible verse and it got her through some very difficult times especially when she was diagnosed with ALS or Lou Gehrig's disease.  She has been gone for three years now, but whenever I think that something is too difficult to handle I remember her and her strength and and this verse and I know that there is nothing too difficult to handle.

And I think that catches me up to date!

In other news, today is my 27th birthday!  I can't believe that I am 27.  I feel so old yet so young at the same time.  I guess this is growing up, huh?

She Get it From Her Mama (and her Daddy)

Day Four - Your Parents

Today's 30 Day Challenge is to write about your parents.  While I would love to share with you a picture of my parents, I feel little weird posting pictures of my family or people that don't know about this blog.  I don't know.  I feel like that is sort of an invasion of privacy and I wouldn't want to upset anyone.  So, I guess this entry will have to do without a picture... insert sad face here.  But no worries, I will tell you about how wonderful my parents are!

In true child/teenage style, I never really appreciated my parents.  They were the people who loved me because they "had" to.  They fed me, clothed me and took care of me because they "had" to.  That's what they were for me.  Once I was out of college, married and on my own, they took on a different role in my life - especially when I started dealing with infertility.  (Do all roads lead back to infertility?  Apparently they do!)

But let's back up a minute and actually give a little background.  My parents (not unlike my husband and me) met in high school and got married when they were 19 (not like my husband and me).  I'm sure even back then there were people who thought that they wouldn't make it, but here we are 32 years later and they are still very happily married.  They have truly taught me everything about having a strong, loving marriage.

A little over a year ago, my husband approached me and said that he wanted to start going to Church and he wanted to become Catholic.  I think that learning we were reproductively challenged made him (and me) look at our lives and our faith and realize that if we were going to get through this then we needed a little spiritual help.  We weren't sure where to set our "roots" so we started going to Church with my parents even though it's about a 20 minute drive from our house and there are plenty of Catholic Churches in our neighborhood.  After Church my parents would treat us to breakfast and it has quickly become one of my favorite parts of the weekend.  It's a great way to start the week, but it has also given me a chance to have a better relationship with my parents.  I think that through our weekly tradition they have seen and respected me as a "grown up" and I have turned to them as my confidants.  They have become people that I truly listen to and admire.  They also give great advice on how to deal with things, but they also listen and are on my side.  My mom especially is great at that.  I can tell her how angry I am that another one of my friends is pregnant and she's right there with me being angry and upset. 

I can honestly say that I would not be the person I am without these two very special people in my life.  I only hope that God will give me and my husband the chance to be great parents like they are!

The following is a song that always makes me think of my parents/makes me wish I had a daughter/makes me cry whenever I hear it.  Gotta love T. Swift!

I'm five years old and it's getting cold
I've got my big coat on
I hear your laugh and look up smiling at you
I run and run
Past the pumpkin patch and the tractor rides
Look now the sky is gold
I hug your legs and fall asleep on the way home

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you're not scared of anything at all
Don't know if Snow White's house is near or far away
But I know I had the best day with you today

I'm thirteen now and don't know how my friends could be so mean
I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys
And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away
And we talk and window shop till I forgot all their names

I don't know who I'm gonna talk to now at school
But I know I'm laughing on the car ride home with you
Don't know how long it's gonna take to feel okay
But I know I had the best day with you today
I have an excellent father
His strength is making me stronger
God smiles on my little brother
Inside and out he's better than I am

I grew up in a pretty house and I had space to run
And I had the best days with you

There is a video I found from back when I was three
You set up a paint set in the kitchen and you're talking to me
It's the age of princesses and pirate ships and the seven dwarfs
Daddy's smart and you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

Now I know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
Staying back and watching me shine and I didn't know if you knew
So I'm taking this chance to say that I had the best day with you today

What's In a Name?

Day 2 of the 30 Day Challenge asks us to explain the meaning behind the blog name.  Mine is obviously, "It's the Journey and the Destination".  I chose this because one of the biggest challenges I have had to face in my life is infertility.  I am certainly not one of those people who go through life and things just come easily or things get handed to them.  However, I never thought that I would have to struggle or work for my God given right to reproduce. It just doesn't make sense.  But who am I to judge what does or doesn't make sense?  I figure that God has a plan for me.  That maybe, he gave me this struggle so that I might learn something from it.  So often we get caught up in the destination, the end point, the goal that we don't focus on the how or the why.  We just want what we want and we want it NOW!  For me this struggle is about the journey and the destination and figuring out just what it is I am supposed to take away from all this.

So far on my journey, I have figured out these things:

• Infertility is expensive.  No amount of budgeting or planning will ever cover the costs.
• There are going to be sacrifices along the way.  But what dream doesn't come with those?
• Your relationship with your spouse will be tested time and time again.  
• My husband is amazing and beyond supportive.  I never knew how strong our relationship was until we faced this together.  I guess we are lucky in that aspect.
• Your faith will be tested.  
• Sometimes I don't have as much faith as I should.

And those are just a few things.   I am hoping that my destination in this journey is to have a child rather that be one of my own or adopted, but I am keeping my mind open.  Maybe it will just be me and my husband and our dog.  I'm ok with that as long as that's where I'm supposed to be.