Wednesday, April 14, 2010

How My Mind Works

My flow of consciousness is somewhat... loopy at times. I will find myself focusing on a task or thinking about something and all of sudden my mind is totally somewhere else and I'm thinking... where did that come from? It's not unlike Lorelai Gilmore:

"Because my brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish: I'm writing a letter, I can't write a letter. Why can't I write a letter? I'm wearing a green dress. I wish I was wearing my blue dress. My blue dress is at the cleaners. The Germans wore gray, you wore green. Casablanca. Casablanca is such a good movie. Casablanca. The White House. Bush. Why don't I drive a hybrid car? I should really drive a hybrid car. I should really take my bicycle to work. Bicycle, unicycle, uni-tard, hockey puck, rattle snake, monkey, monkey underpants."

Random things will just trigger me into a random cycle of thoughts. For example, I was driving home from work yesterday when I got behind this big massive pickup truck that was moving awfully slow. I kept wondering why it was moving slow. Why don't I go around? Too much traffic to get over. He should get over and get out of my way. Slow drivers in the fast lane suck. Why does the back window say of said truck read: "U.S. Armed Forces: Join them, Support them or get the hell out of my country?" Who puts such things on the back of their truck? Hillbillies. Hillbillies. Rednecks. Confederate flags. Who said it's your county? This land is your land, this land is my land, from California to the New York Islands... this land was made for me and you. I may or may not have been singing that last part out loud in my car. Either way this random train of thinking kept my mind of pressing matters such as the fact that I off work early to go to the doctor's office. Cue the music: "It's the most wonder-ful time of the year!"

Or not.

I hate going to the lady doctor, but it is a necessary evil. Especially if you are trying to have a baby and you aren't mechanically inclined to do so. So I put on my big girl panties (not literally) and made my way to the doctor's office. Now I'm always rull nervous to go to the lady doctor because I have this fear that it will result in them telling me I have cancer. Again, just part of the way my mind works. Luckily, I see this doctor that totally cracks me up every time a I see her:
  • The first time I saw her, I went to put my feet up and she told me that I had big feet. Um, thanks? I should probably mention that she is a small Indian woman, but I don't think that my size 9 feet are that big. Whatevs. I'll take it as a compliment.
  • As if the whole experience wasn't traumatizing enough, there was a student doctor there and she got to have a try at the ol' examine on me as well. Excellent.
  • The last time I was there for infertility purposes she was going through my file and she noticed that the last doctor had diagnosed me with PCOS. She looked me and up and down and said, "But you're not very fat". Again, I guess I'll take this as a compliment.
  • At the same visit, she asked my husband if he had ever fathered any children. He said no (of course not) and I said, "He better not have". And she started dying laughing. You would have thought Seinfeld himself came in was giving us our own personal comedy act.

She a real hoot, let me tell ya. I mean only this stuff would happen to me.

Yesterday though we were not all giggles. As per usual, the nurse led me in into the room and asked the normal stuff: last cycle, am I using contraception, etc. I said that I was not using contraception (hello, look in the file, the plumbing DOES NOT work!). She continues her stuff and then leaves me to wait for the doctor. My doctor comes in and do you know the first thing she says to me, "So you aren't using any contraception? Would you like some?" READ THE FILE! I have what I like to call "au naturale" birth control, meaning IT DOESN'T WORK! Jesus, Mary and Joseph (speaking of, while I was waiting, I said a Hail Mary to myself and I thought, "I bet Mary never had to worry about stuff like this" I mean really? Who thinks that?). But because I am a nice person, I simply smiled and reminded her that I had been in before for infertility so no I did not need contraception.

After the fun times were over, we talked about the infertility road and it's decided that after my next cycle, I will call to schedule a dye test (to check for blockages in my tubes). If there are blockages, they will most likely perform laparoscopy in order to remove those blockages. If there are none it's off to the fertility doctor with me. At this point, I'm not really sure which I prefer. I just have to remind myself, one step at a time.

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