This past weekend, the husband and I had some interesting conversations/revelations. It is no secret that I want children. I want to experience pregnancy (although not the morning sickness). I want to know what it's like to have a baby growing inside of me and feel the baby move. I want to look down and every week see my belly getting bigger (and no getting fat would not suffice). While I want to experience all those things, I am however not opposed to adoption. If that is the path the leads us to parenthood then I'm all for it, as is the husband. I can think of no better way to serve God and help a child in need than to adopt. In some ways, I feel like it is what I was put on this earth to do, but there is still a lot of planning, prayer and thinking that needs to be done in order for any of that to become a reality.
It's hard to make a move in any one direction though.
I really like the way that my life is right now. And so does my husband.
Don't get us wrong. If I found out tomorrow I was expecting, we would be over the moon about it. There is no doubt in my mind that we both want to be parents and that we would make good parents.
It's just... we like the way life is right now. We can go to work, come home and just veg out if we want. We can decide last minute to run out to the mall or go to the movies. We can take day trips up in Ohio to go shopping and spend our money on things we want. We can plan a weekend trip only two weeks in advance. We can sleep in late or stay up super late. We can sit around the house all day long and not do a darn thing. We are free to do just about whatever we want (within reason, obviously).
All that would change, drastically, if we were to have a baby. Even though we have had nearly four years of this freedom, we don't know if we are quite ready to give that up just yet.
Friday night we went to see a play with another married couple. We left right after work and went to dinner and then to the show. As we were leaving the husband and I got talking about the rest of the plans and somehow the topic of children got brought up. We had watched our niece earlier in the week, and while we love spending time with her, we both agreed it was nice to send her home. We could relax and just be with each other. We didn't have to entertain anyone else or put anyone to bed. We were responsible for no one but ourselves. As we got talking about our Saturday we were both excited to be able to sleep in and then go out to breakfast. Things that would not be impossible with children, but definitely not easy.
While we were out to breakfast, we noticed a man and woman with twins. They got served their food and then both had to cut up food and what not for the kids before they could ever even eat. We both agreed that we were perfectly fine to be sitting there sans children and able to enjoy our food when it was served.
So what's the point in all this rambling? It's all about perspective. I often get jealous when people are pregnant or talk about their babies because I want that in my life. I want to have the absolute surprise of taking a pregnancy test and finding a plus sign or two double lines or what have you. However, I'm not 100% read to give up my current life. I sometimes like the way things are! I can sit here and say I'm so jealous that so and so is pregnant, but at the same time I like I can be selfish or just spend time with my husband.
I am getting scared though. I'm getting scared that I'm getting too comfortable with the way my life is that I'll never make the move to explore our options with fertility or adoption. While I know that I want to have a family, it's hard to make the commitment to starting a family because I know that my life will change and it will change forever. How will I know when I'm ready to let most of my freedoms go?
I'm not writing this to rub it anyone's face that I can do whatever, and I'm not saying that it must suck to have children. I'm just saying that for me, it's hard to make the commitment when I'm pretty happy with the way things are right now. Is that so bad?